Saturday, January 30, 2010

i think some time back in
history we had the audacity
to make future plans that
sounded pretty good then.
somehow, when doing that,
we never consider
making buffer for how
things might change down
the timeline.
of course,
we could never imagine how
things could be any different
when things were as great as they
were then.
i guess it gets scary
how these plans
come back to haunt you in present,
while you are coming to terms
with the Change, and
wondering if those plans
still stand, now that
things have changed.
so really, does it?

7:29 PM

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

i know that sometimes im
just to proud to admit
that people leave me.
when i finally admit it,
they'll be gone and
then i'll
be too proud to want them back.
i guess, that's just how people
are, they leave.

10:03 AM

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

i wish there was some sort
of structure to do this.
above all, im scared.
im scared because there will be
no help as long as i refuse it.
and im sure there wouldn't be because
i will continue not to seek it.
i'm so scared of what will
and will not happen.
its different being scared at 21.
its not like you are 7
when being scared meant
crying it out loud to
outsource that Inner Terrible Feeling
to someone i.e. mom/dad/other adults.
neither is it fear out of ignorance
anymore.
being adult and scared means you
have exhausted most feasible options
and nothing has worked out.
and you jolly well not be crying it out loud
to people coz they have got their own
Terrible Inner Feelings to deal with too.
mostly
its probably your fault, and
you'd better cope.
im scared, i wish things were different,
i wish i could be braver but i think
ive honestly maxed it already and yet
im still really scared.
im fidgety, afraid and kinda sad.

update: haha happier now im damn lame

6:14 PM

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Out in the Cold, Northeastern China!

9:09 AM

Sunday, January 10, 2010

i had the best of times this
holiday, kinda like what life should
really be.
we are always chasing the
moments that take our breaths away.
they may take the form of
places, people, things or experiences.
there are places that are beautiful
way beyond imagination,
people who sweep you off your feet,
things that are just too amazing and
surreal experiences that words can never
do justice to.
i think we change a little bit everytime
we internalize them.
but i never really knew how to share or
express them to people
because i never want to reduce these moments
to just brief conversational topics
mentioned in passing.
i guess part of why they are breathtaking
is their transience, our inability to hold
on to these moments.
i don' t know, it could be the growing older,
i think i made some new observations.

1. i used to regard adulttalk as
superficial and somewhat mindless. i wondered
if adults all become this way but
i realised recently that it isn't
that we are all superficial but its just our way
of dealing with the really heavy stuff.

2. i always thought
when it comes to relationships,
they either turn out to be the
Greatest Romance of it All or A Really Bad Decision.
its a thin line, but sometimes the Greatest Romance of it All
takes the form of A Really Bad Decision or vice versa.
i used to consider the End technically like a
Probability Tree.
now i guess there's no probability.
there might not even be an end, there's nothing,
we only have now.
now is the only thing that's real.

so out with the holidays and
into my last academic semester,
where i should be preoccupied with
realworld blah and major brainwork.
i hope i'll be fine.
i thought i might have new perspective
this time but im not sure because
the madness of NTU always throws me
out of my own tempo.
i don't know yet, i plan to be ok.

8:38 AM